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Wow. Penultimate chapter.

So my British editor has just embarked upon a month-long work trip and she can no longer be able to help me with Julian's portions. I apologize for any cultural or linguistic inconsistencies, but, sometimes, online erotica is not perfectly written. Shocking, ain't it?

Also, I've written much less of the final chapter than I'd hoped to at this point, but, ya know, midterms. So it might be a bit longer til that one comes out, but I'll do my best to get there quick.

I appreciate you all so much, by the way.

-- Leon xx

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Matty

I had every intention of dedicating my thought to Julian, I really did, but virtually as soon as I turned the corner from the park, all Hell broke loose. You know what, not virtually. Literally. I was just crossing the street when my phone began to vibrate.

*quot;Hello?*quot;

*quot;I know you're mad at me but please can I come over I need to see you I messed up and everything's gone to shit oh Matt?*quot;

*quot;Phoebe!*quot; I was frightened. *quot;Of course you can come over. I'll be home in fifteen.*quot;

*quot;Okay, good, because I'm already in the lobby.*quot;

I hustled back to my apartment, my shoddy old sneakers rubbing blisters on my heels, and sure enough I found Phoebe sitting on the musty cushioned bench in the middle of the front entrance. She had clearly been crying. *quot;Phoebs,*quot; I murmured, rushing over to hug her.

*quot;Some nice lady with a baby let me in. She said she knew you.*quot; I nodded and pulled her into the elevator. She sagged into my arms and began crying again. I held her in my arms and wondered if my life would ever be anything but dramatic. *quot;Come on, hon, let's get to my apartment.*quot;

I sat her down on my couch and handed her the box of tissues from my coffee table. I spoke to her as I made her a cup of tea.

*quot;Is this about Tali, darling?*quot;

*quot;Yes,*quot; she groaned, and she flopped over on my couch. *quot;We got in a huge fight and she never came home last night or this morning.*quot; She stuffed her face into a pillow. *quot;She was so mad at me.*quot;

*quot;Well, tell me what happened.*quot;

My words were met with silence and I looked over to see a very guilty face. *quot;You're gonna be mad at me too.*quot;

I smiled. *quot;Even if I am, I promise to be gentle.*quot;

I heard her sigh as I removed the mug from the microwave and dropped the teabag in it. *quot;Why do you even have tea?*quot; she asked as I walked it over to her. *quot;You hate tea.*quot;

*quot;I got it forever ago, when you used to come over more.*quot; She smiled and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek.

*quot;We've come a long way, haven't we?*quot;

*quot;Well, it seems like we're both still hot messes, but yeah, I suppose.*quot;

She blew on the still-steaming liquid. *quot;So we went out yesterday night, to, like, a straight-people bar.*quot; She wrinkled her nose, and I laughed. *quot;It was actually pretty fun, even though neither of us even drink that much anymore. But then... we ran into her ex-boyfriend.*quot; Oh, God, I could see where this is going. *quot;Don't make that face at me. I haven't even told you the bad part yet.*quot; Yes, but Phoebe, I know you. *quot;They talked for a long time, and he was totally flirting with her, and she barely introduced me, and when he left, she kissed him goodbye. On the lips.*quot;

I raised my eyebrows. *quot;Woah, that's... unusual. Although, kissing for gays is, like, holding hands for straight people.*quot;

*quot;But she's not gay!*quot; I narrowed my eyes. *quot;Okay, she's, like, she's... I don't know! He was straight!*quot;

*quot;Phoebe, would you kiss your ex-girlfriend goodbye if you hung out with her?*quot;

She sighed. *quot;Yeah, maybe. I know I fucked up, okay, I know. I got all pissed and passive aggressive with her and she said I was being biphobic and then I said... some truly, um, bad things. And she cried and left.*quot;

Phoebe was right. I was mad at her. I kept my mouth shut in a thin, tight line. *quot;I thought she just went home, but when I got back, she was nowhere to be found. She's not answering her phone.*quot;

I rubbed my temples.

*quot;Don't do that, Matty, okay, I know!*quot;

*quot;But you still did it, Phoebe. This has been a problem with you guys forever.*quot; She shook her head and took a sip. I watched her, unnerved by her calm. I then asked a question that I'd be holding onto for years. *quot;Do you really believe that stuff? With all the work we do?*quot;

She looked at me with wide eyes. *quot;No, of course not! I just?I get jealous, and I don't want to lose her, and I want to be enough for her.*quot; A tear fell into her mug with a little plop. *quot;I keep feeling like... we're going to get married, and then she's going to realize that I'm not enough for her.*quot;

*quot;You fill Tali's world, Phoebe,*quot; I said, rubbing her arm. *quot;You know that. This isn't about her not thinking you're enough; it's about you thinking that.*quot; She set down her tea and leaned into me, crying full, shoulder-shaking tears.

*quot;Matty, if I had the choice to love a man, I would take it. I would never choose all tuzla escort the extra strife that comes with being gay!*quot;

I stroked her hair, thinking. *quot;You'd choose that over Tali?*quot;

*quot;What? No, of course not, but...*quot; She looked up at me as I raised a brow. *quot;Okay, I see your point.*quot;

*quot;It will be okay, Phoebe. But you're gonna have to talk about this with her. And it's gonna be really difficult and really exhausting, but that's just what it takes.*quot; I sighed. I was so tired of all this. So tired of breaking and watching people break. *quot;People like us, people who have been through trauma and pain at the hands of other people, we have a lot of obstacles to overcome in personal relationships. It's hard to put love and trust into someone when all that's led to before was rejection.*quot; I hadn't realized the truth to those words until they'd left my mouth. Of course my life was chaotic. I surrounded myself with those people. *quot;People like us.*quot; Sigh. *quot;Phoebs, Tali loves you, and she's put a lot of faith in your relationship. You gotta do the same.*quot;

*quot;I feel like I'm never going to get past this, Matt. And I can't let her be with me if I'm going to keep hurting her.*quot;

I looked down at her beautiful, light eyes and said, *quot;Then stop hurting her.*quot;

*quot;It's not that simple.*quot;

*quot;Of course it's not simple. It's incredibly complicated. But you gotta figure it the fuck out, and you have to let her in, Phoebe. You have to let her help you figure it out.*quot;

Phoebe exhaled. *quot;So. How's the Julian situation?*quot;

I chuckled. *quot;Alright, we'll change the subject?for now. So, yeah, I saw him today.*quot;

She shot up and clapped her hands together. *quot;Tell me everything!*quot;

******

That night I dreamt of Julian. We were on some lake, one I'm not sure I've ever actually seen, and I was in a speedboat, laughing and drinking something alcoholic when he rowed by in a canoe or a kayak or something. I called out to him. He waved, and then he started sinking, but he seemed calm. Almost like he meant to go underwater, like he was rowing to get to the bottom.

******

I assured Phoebe a thousand times that Tali's absence from the House wouldn't cause any problems, but, in reality, I had no idea. Unless Phoebe planned on crafting some lie, which was an epically bad idea, everyone would have to assume that they were either fighting or broken up. At that point, I wasn't sure which one was the case.

I was desperately hoping that Tali hadn't spoken to anyone at Silver River about it. I didn't think she'd do it to hurt Phoebe, but she'd made a few pretty close friend on our staff, and if she'd gone to one of them to vent, there was going to be Hell to pay.

I texted Phoebe that I was going to pick her up. It was totally out of my way, but I was afraid if I didn't she might not show at all. To my surprise, I pulled up to find her punctual and put together, already waiting outside her apartment building.

*quot;Hey doll,*quot; I said, clearing my things from the passenger seat.

*quot;Hey.*quot;

I pulled into the right lane, coming dangerously close to tapping a passing car. He honked at me twice as I cursed under my breath. Phoebe giggled at me.

*quot;I taught you to drive eight years ago. I can't believe you're still this bad.*quot;

*quot;Oh, screw you,*quot; I replied mildly. *quot;You're the one who drives 5050 on residential roads.*quot;

*quot;That was one time! And it was night! And I was 22.*quot; We both laughed. *quot;Oh, God, I was such an idiot back then.*quot; She paused, and I glanced over. She was holding her seatbelt with both hands, her forehead against the window. *quot;I guess I still am.*quot;

I patted her knee. *quot;I take it Tali didn't come home last night either.*quot;

*quot;No,*quot; she sighed, *quot;but she did text me. Said she needed space?she's staying with Emma.*quot;

Oh, shit.

*quot;So... Emma knows the situation?*quot;

*quot;Uh, yeah. I would assume so.*quot;

*quot;Do you... do you think she's going to tell other people?*quot;

Another pause. I looked over again. Phoebe was looking at me, eyebrows furrowed, her bottom lip between her teeth. *quot;I hadn't thought about that. Oh, this could be bad, Matty.*quot;

I really didn't have any consolation to offer. *quot;Yeah. It really could.*quot;

We were the first to the house that day (besides the employees who live there), and most of the kids were still in bed. I felt bad for the few high school students that had to get up at seven and drag their asses to class while their friends got to sleep in for another month.

Phoebe and I gathered the morning's work and took it downstairs to post up at the dining room table. We preferred to use our office as little as possible, not wanting to isolate ourselves or give off an air of superiority.

*quot;You look cute today, by the way. Seeing Julian must have cheered you up.*quot;

I shrugged, not daring to look up from my computer and face her. Phoebe could read my expressions better than anyone. *quot;It was nice to hear him take responsibility. And I do miss him. But I've still got a lot of stuff to figure göztepe escort out.*quot;

We worked in silence for a moment before Phoebe said, rather quietly, *quot;I'm sorry for going to yell at Julian. Clearly we have more in common than I thought.*quot; I chuckled as I updated one of my thousands of spreadsheets. *quot;And I'm sorry for what I said about you. About you automatically forgiving him.*quot;

At this, I did look up. She shifted her eyes away. *quot;Oh, it's alright, Phoebs.*quot; I reached across the table to take her hand. *quot;It wasn't all that off base. I'm trying to be more protective of myself this time. I really don't know what I want. It's hard to even say, but I really might... I really might leave him.*quot;

She squeezed my hand, and I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the thought. *quot;We shouldn't talk about this at work. I'm gonna get all weepy.*quot;

She smiled and nodded. We returned to our work.

The rest of the staff starting filing in about an hour later. By then, a few of the kids were up, eating cereal and doing puzzles and the like. Both Phoebe and I were becoming increasingly anxious awaiting Emma's arrival, and it didn't go unnoticed.

*quot;Mornin' Pops!*quot; I felt a hand clap me on the back and I jumped. Izzy stood by my side, amused. *quot;Well ain't you jumpy?*quot;

I glared at her. *quot;Go get breakfast, little one.*quot;

She stuck her tongue out at me. *quot;I'm bigger than you, babyface.*quot;

Phoebe giggled at our interaction. It was nice to see her calm down a bit.

Naturally, this was when Emma walked in.

Her eyes shot to Phoebe immediately, her face swirling with contrasting emotions. It was obvious that she knew at least about the fight. Phoebe looked to me, panicked.

*quot;Babe, relax. Emma's a good employee. She'll keep it professional.*quot;

*quot;She hates me,*quot; Phoebe whispered frantically. *quot;I messed up so bad!*quot;

Again, I had no idea how to comfort her because she was probably correct.

I was correct too, though. Emma maintained a wide berth from Phoebe, noticeable to me but not to anyone who wasn't looking for it. Phoebe relaxed bit by bit, and we were able to get through the day without disaster. Well, with a normal amount of disaster. Someone ate someone else's personal food, the *quot;twins*quot; were fighting, as they were, like, half the time, Izzy got snippy with someone, as she does, like, half the time, et cetera et cetera et cetera. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed a thing, but sometimes I felt like I should have my own dumb show on TLC. 30 Gays and Counting.

Usually I had to stay a little late on Mondays, but I worked an extra two hours that day, much to Phoebe's chagrin. Subconsciously and kinda consciously it was an attempt to delay the inevitable obsessing over my romantic situation, but I did actually have a lot of extra tasks to accomplish that day. We had three kids turning 21 in the next few months, which meant that they would, ideally, be leaving the House. We did our best to get them at least somewhat financially independent by that point, but there was still a lot of money to move around, and all that fell on me.

By the time I had finished, it was nine o'clock (yes, my average workday is eleven hours. I chose this life). I was back at my station at the table, but Phoebe was nowhere to be found. I packed up my things and retreated to the office to put back some paperwork, expecting to see Phoebe but greeted by an empty room. I shrugged and returned the files before going down to the second floor. The kids were all shoved into the two bathrooms, pushing each other and quibbling over toothpaste and sink space.

*quot;Hey. Knock it off.*quot; I ushered a couple girls out of the bathroom. *quot;You can brush your hair in your room. I know you have mirrors in there.*quot; They rolled their eyes but did as I said, which was pretty much all I could ask for. *quot;Has anyone seen Phoebe?*quot;

*quot;I saw her go out back a while ago. I think she was on the phone.*quot;

Oh.

I gave my quick thanks and tried to look casual as I hurried down the stairs and to kitchen. Even through the screen door, I could hear voices.

*quot;It's beyond fucked up, Phoebe. How can you even work here?*quot;

Oh, no.

I stepped outside, the squeaky door announcing my presence, and gave an awkward wave. *quot;Hey, guys. What's up?*quot;

Emma was standing there, arms crossed, eyes set to kill. Phoebe was nearly cowering.

Emma turned to me and glared. I was in the doghouse too, apparently. *quot;I'd venture you already know, Matty.*quot;

I sighed. *quot;Yeah, I do.*quot;

She threw her hands up. *quot;So you're just alright with it?*quot;

*quot;Of course not,*quot; I replied firmly, *quot;but it's between Phoebe and Tali, and?*quot;

*quot;How is it between them? Tali told me about it, I know about it, and I work alongside her!*quot; She gestured to Phoebe, who had not looked up once since I'd come outside. *quot;How am I supposed to trust someone who thinks that my sexuality?and,*quot; she pointed a finger at me, *quot;the sexuality of quite a few kids here?makes me unfaithful? Untrustworthy?*quot;

*quot;Haven't üsküdar escort you ever said something you didn't mean in the heat of the moment?*quot; I asked, carefully tempering my tone. *quot;It's between Phoebe and Tali because?well, Phoebe, you go ahead.*quot;

We both turned to Phoebe who was looking at me as though I'd killed her cats. Emma crossed her arms again and shrugged. *quot;Fine. Speak for yourself.*quot;

I nodded at her gently, and she exhaled and turned to Emma. *quot;I'm really sorry about what I said, Emma, but I didn't say it because I believed it. I said it because I was feeling jealous and vulnerable, and I lashed out. You can be mad at me for that, but please don't think I believe those things at all.*quot;

When Emma spoke, her voice was calm and steady. *quot;I don't know, Phoebe. Maybe you didn't mean it, but you still said it. You still used a negative stereotype to justify your behavior. That doesn't really make for a safe work environment?especially at a place like this.*quot; She took a deep breath. *quot;These kids... I don't have to tell you that they've already been rejected by straight communities. They don't need to be rejected by us, too.*quot;

Phoebe was crying. Emma was a bit, too, and I was fairly close to tears myself. *quot;Thank you, Emma,*quot; I said, swallowing the knot in my throat. *quot;We need to hold each other accountable, and I appreciate you doing that.*quot; Well, that was insanely condescending.

*quot;Seriously, Emma, thank you.*quot; We looked at Phoebe with shared surprise. *quot;I obviously have some things I need to work on.*quot;

We all looked at each other for a moment. Emma nodded curtly, then, and said, *quot;Well, good. You're welcome. I'm going to, uh, go home now. I'll see you both tomorrow.*quot; And she was gone.

*quot;So that was... a lot.*quot;

Phoebe laughed softly.

*quot;Are you alright?*quot;

She smiled, a little sadly. *quot;I actually am. I'm glad she talked to me. I really want to deal with this; it's gone on long enough.*quot; She sighed and looked down at the phone in her hand. *quot;Tali texted a while ago asking to call, so I should probably do that.*quot;

*quot;Do you want to use my car, so you don't get interrupted again?*quot; She nodded and I passed her the keys. *quot;Just text me when you're done.*quot; She hugged me briefly, and I ruffled her hair and sent her off.

Wow.

I was not expecting that from Emma. She was usually so quiet, so reserved. I didn't even know her sexuality until just then. I was weirdly proud of her. We needed people like her around.

*quot;Uh, Matty?*quot;

No.

I turned to see two faces peeking from around the corner of the house. A nervous-looking Malik and a scared-looking Simone.

Are you fucking kidding me?

*quot;Christ.*quot; I muttered, the ache in my head rapidly progressing to migraine-status. We stood in silence for about a full minute before I was able to calm myself down. *quot;So. You're not supposed to be out here, but I guess that doesn't really matter at this point. You snuck out here after bed checks?*quot; Two nods. *quot;To do what? Smoke? Fool around?*quot; Two embarrassed looks.

*quot;Um...*quot; was all I got from Simone.

*quot;Uh, the second one.*quot; Simone smacked him on the arm. *quot;Sir,*quot; he added quickly, and I might have laughed if I wasn't so goddamn tired.

*quot;Don't go calling me sir just 'cause you're in trouble now. Which you're not, really, though you will be if you're caught again.*quot; They quickly nodded again, clearly relieved. *quot;So. I take it you heard just about every word of that... discussion?*quot;

*quot;Um...*quot;

*quot;Yes, si?I mean, yes. Most of it.*quot;

I pinched the bridge of my nose. *quot;Why don't we go ahead and sit?*quot;

******

If I were Tide detergent, where would I be?

*quot;Cleaning Supplies*quot;?

*quot;Home Care*quot;?

Ah, there it is. Hello, Aisle 10.

It was nice to worry about something simple.

I needed to do laundry. I'd pushed it off so long that I was down to literally my last pair of socks. I was damn busy these days, what can I say? No time for cooking, no time for cleaning, no time for thinking about my romantic destiny. I grabbed the plastic bottle from the shelf?eh, get two, just to be safe. As I made my way to the next aisle, now in search of coffee filters, Blondie's *quot;Hanging on the Telephone*quot; faded from the speakers only to be replaced by, what else, *quot;Bad Reputation.*quot;

*quot;Bad Reputation*quot; as in, Joan Jett's *quot;Bad Reputation,*quot; as in *quot;I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation,*quot; as in Kat Stratford's entrance song; Kat Stratford as in the '90s classic 10 Things I Hate About You, as in the first movie Julian and I ever watched together, as in the rom-com adaptation of The Taming of the Shrew; The Taming of the Shrew as in the Shakespearean comedy, as in the comedy starring Petruchio, as in the first nickname I ever gave Juli; The Taming of the Shrew as in the play within a play, as in the performance within a play for the town drunk Christopher Sly, as in the first nickname Juli ever gave me.

Real subtle, God.

******

Adam

*quot;Wow. That sounds intense.*quot;

*quot;It was, like, mad awkward.*quot;

We left the bar of my preferred coffee shop and sat at my preferred table, Malik already half-done with his muffin and me waiting for my drink to cool. Malik grabbed it as soon as I set it down and took a sip.

*quot;That is... so nasty.*quot;