Chapter 14
My mind is strolling at this point.** I*quot;m furious.* I*quot;m beyond furious.*** I have Desta*quot;s stuff.* I bring them to school the next day and he*quot;s standing at his locker.* I can*quot;t face him.* Not yet.* I can*quot;t have a conversation with him in the way I want to.* He*quot;s standing there and I have his bags.* I know it*quot;s dramatic but I can*quot;t help it.* I just drop his bags right in front of him.* I slam them on the goddam ground as hard as I can.
*quot;Here.*quot;
*quot;I was waiting up for you last night,*quot; Desta states, *quot;Where were you?
I can*quot;t talk to him right now.* Right now I can*quot;t even look at him.** My heart is beating so fast.* This is what heartbreak feels like.* I was willing to give this boy a part of me that I had closed up for so long and this is what he did to me.
I just walk away.
Desta chases me halfway down the hallway.
*quot;Baby, wait...what*quot;s wrong?*quot;
He was calling me baby.* It was the first time that he*quot;d called me that.* Hearing the words makes this shit hurt even more.* I want to confront him but I know what happened the last time my words came out.* The crazy thing is I think I still fucking loved him.* The crazy thing is I still wanted to be with him even after I found out that he was cheating on me with Prince.
The thing is that I still didn*quot;t want to risk my relationship with Desta because I had gotten so used to being treated like shit by Matias that someone else cheating on me at this moment just wasn*quot;t a big deal.
*quot;You know what?*quot; I start, *quot;Nothing.* Nothing*quot;s wrong.*quot;
*quot;You just walked away from me...*quot;
*quot;We*quot;re late for dance practice.*quot;
I*quot;m trying to sweep it all under the rug.* I still can*quot;t look at him though.* I don*quot;t want to break out into tears like a little bitch.* I just thought he was different.* I know that if I say anything to him about Prince, I*quot;d end up blowing up.* I knew my temper.* He*quot;d be scared of me.* He*quot;d hate me forever.* It was best to just bite my tongue at least for now.* It was best to just pretend like everything was OK.
*quot;What we talked about yesterday?* Did you mean it?*quot; I ask, *quot;About being my boyfriend.* If this is something you don*quot;t want.*quot;
*quot;I want it more than anything.*quot;
I knew I should have walked away.* I knew I should have put myself first and not let a man have this control over me but the truth was I cared more about Desta already then I had ever cared about Matias.* Maybe I was just a fucking sucker for love.
Or maybe Desta was just my Achilles*quot; heel.
Because I find myself smiling at him like an idiot.* I find myself making a dumb joke like an idiot to make him feel comfortable.* We walk to practice together and when we get down a hall that is all dark I give him a kiss hard on the lips.
*quot;I still want this too,*quot; I tell him after the kiss, *quot;I still want this too...*quot;
I*quot;d just have to put my pain away at least for now.
~
*quot;Are you feeling OK?*quot; Rosa asks.
Days have passed since I found out about Desta.* I*quot;m trying to put up this front but it seems like there is one person who can see right through it.* Rosa.** We*quot;re at dance practice at this point.** Ana is going over a dance routine that Portia is doing in the contest.* It was a big deal.* We were all entered but this was a single*quot;s routine.* Only one person could win.
I*quot;m sitting in the bleachers.** I just changed.* Everyone is getting ready for this dance competition that is coming up.** It*quot;s quite the big deal.
*quot;Is it that obvious?*quot; I ask.
*quot;You are bottling things up and it*quot;s going to come out in the wrong way,*quot; Rosa explains.
*quot;I don*quot;t feel comfortable talking about this with you...*quot;
She looks around.* Desta isn*quot;t here yet.* Neither is Prince.* My mind is wandering wondering what they are doing together.
*quot;Does anyone else know you are gay besides Desta?*quot; she asks.
When she says his name, I get a shiver down my spine.
*quot;No.* Just him,*quot; I state, *quot;And I think Prince as well...*quot;
She shrugs, *quot;Well then I want to be someone you can talk to about it.* Listen I*quot;m not your enemy, Santana.* I am willing to put my own personal disappointment aside to help you out because it*quot;s clear you need me.*quot;
I pause.
I hate this but she was right.* I needed someone to talk about this with.
*quot;Are you sure that you saw what you saw?*quot;* I ask.
*quot;Desta was there.* 100%.*
escort kocaeli If you don*quot;t believe me, you can ask him,*quot; Rosa states, *quot;I*quot;m surprised he hasn*quot;t confirmed this to you yet.*quot;
That was the problem.* I didn*quot;t want to fucking talk to Desta about this.* It hurt too much.* Clearly, if he was getting fucked he was there.* I shake my head.* I want to cry about this.* It would be so easy to say Rosa was just a hater and she was lying, except that wasn*quot;t Rosa*quot;s thing.* I loved Desta and wanted to trust him but at the same time, I completely trusted Rosa.* Looking into her eyes I can tell that she was sincere about it.
*quot;You said they kept going?*quot;
*quot;Prince tried to stop but...it was like your boyfriend had no regard.* He kept throwing it back on Prince.* Prince literally had to push him off.*quot;
I spaz at that moment at the thought.* I just kick the chair.* I*quot;m trying not to go insane but this is driving me up a wall.* With Matias, I was hurt every time he cheated but with Desta, this is killing me from the inside out.* Why would he agree to be my boyfriend just to immediately do something like this?* I*quot;d thought he was into me.
Was this payback for when I was in the bathroom with Matias?
I was so confused then.
But maybe this was just him getting payback.* Maybe it was over now.* Hopefully, it was over now.
*quot;I don*quot;t believe you,*quot; I finally tell Rosa, *quot;I think you*quot;re lying.*quot;
I know it hurts Rosa when I say it.* I don*quot;t care.* I trusted Desta above anything.* I loved him.* I was going to take his word over anyone else.* Period.
That*quot;s when I see them walking in.
*quot;Stop it,*quot; Desta is laughing.
Prince has his hand over Desta when they walk into dance rehearsal late.* Prince is whispering something in Desta*quot;s ear.* I swear I get up at that point.* I just stare.* Desta looks back over at me.* He removes Prince*quot;s hand at that moment and walks over to me as though nothing happened.
As Prince and Desta approach I can tell things are getting awkward.
*quot;Hey, guys, what*quot;s up?*quot; Desta states acting as though everything is normal.
I don*quot;t respond.* Seeing him with Prince right now is literally eating me from the inside out.
Rosa doesn*quot;t seem to want to beat around the bush, *quot;Desta.* I need you to confirm with Santana what happened in that bathroom.* Clearly, he doesn*quot;t believe me.*quot;
I look at Desta.* I could tell it was hard for him to open up about this.* He looks over at Rosa probably upset that she is bringing this up.* By his reaction, though I can tell something weird is going on.* Rosa bringing this shit up is bold.* It proves she has nothing to hide.
*quot;She*quot;s telling the truth,*quot; Desta states.
*quot;WHAT...THE...FUCK!*quot;
I*quot;m seeing red.* All I see is fucking red at this point.
*quot;Whoa...*quot; Desta states, *quot;I didn*quot;t think you would care that much.*quot;
*quot;I wouldn*quot;t care?*quot; I ask, *quot;I fucking care more than you would ever know.*quot;
Desta looks down hurt.* How the fuck am I hurting him?** I look over at Prince.* He reaches that moment attempting to comfort Desta.
*quot;I told you he*quot;d react like this...*quot;* Prince tells Desta.
*quot;Don*quot;t fucking talk to him,*quot; I interrupt, *quot;Talk to me.* You a man.* Be a man about it.* You want to take what*quot;s mine, do that shit to my face don*quot;t sneak off about it.*quot;
*quot;What*quot;s yours?*quot; Desta asks.
He*quot;s saying it as though me claiming him is the craziest thing he*quot;d ever heard in his life.* It pisses me the fuck off.* At this point, I*quot;m so mad that I*quot;m shaking.* Tears are running down my face.* Was he not mine now?
*quot;This shit hurts yo...*quot; I find myself saying, *quot;This shit fucking hurts...*quot;
I look at Rosa.* I feel like shit for saying that she*quot;s lying.* It*quot;s clear she was telling the truth.
*quot;It was a mistake,*quot; Desta explains, *quot;Right Prince.* Prince. Tell him it was a mistake and it won*quot;t happen again...*quot;
*quot;It might. Who knows?* I enjoyed it and he did too,*quot; Prince responds clearly getting more and more hype, *quot;Honestly, I lost all respect for Santana.* I think he*quot;s a little BITCH for being that mad over this.*quot;
I lunge at him.* I lunge at Prince.* I almost make contact but Desta jumps in the way.* Desta protects him.* I stop myself just in time.* There was no way I was going to push Desta out of the way just to get at Prince.* I cared too much about Desta even now.
*quot;I*quot;ll see you around,*quot; I promise
kocaeli anal yapan escort Prince, *quot;I*quot;ll see you around.*quot;
I walk away at that point.
I keep talking. My mind is blown.* I didn*quot;t want to bring any of this up with Desta.* I didn*quot;t want him to know that I knew it happened but now that it was out in the open.* I*quot;m just pissed.* Prince*quot;s disrespect was something that I couldn*quot;t get it.
I*quot;m standing outside of the school.* My mind is blown.* I*quot;m pacing back and forth.* It*quot;s obvious that I*quot;m having trouble with everything that went on.* My face is flushed red and I just want to hit something.* I see that old gangster coming out and I knew that Prince and Desta having sex was going to be the thing that pushed me clean over the edge.
That*quot;s when I see someone walk up to me.* I turn and notice who it is.
Matias.
*quot;You looking like you going through it.*quot;
*quot;This is all your fault,*quot; I tell him.
*quot;Come again?*quot;
*quot;You let me think it*quot;s OK that to forgive someone who cheats on you,*quot; I explain.
*quot;What are you talking about?*quot;
*quot;It*quot;s none of your business.*quot;
*quot;Listen.* I know we had our issues in the past but I*quot;m seeing you here looking like you are about on the verge of a mental breakdown,*quot; Matias states, *quot;Talk to me.* I want to help you.*quot;
I pause.
I hated my predicament but tears were rolling down my face so hard that I couldn*quot;t hide how weak I was in this moment.* I had never been so weak in my life.* Maybe Prince was right?* Maybe I was a little bitch.* Maybe he felt like because I didn*quot;t have anyone backing me he could disrespect me in the way that he did.* Maybe he felt like he could just fuck my boyfriend in front of my face and I*quot;m just a weak little bitch that wouldn*quot;t do anything about it.
*quot;Desta had sex with Prince.* My ex-girlfriend Rosa caught them.*quot;
He laughs a little bit, *quot;Wait for what?*quot;
*quot;You think this is funny?*quot;
His face gets serious, *quot;No it*quot;s just.* I uh...wait uh...*quot;
*quot;What?* You know something?*quot;
He looks like he knows something.* It was written all over Matias.* I*quot;d always known when he had something to hide because he*quot;d get tripped up over his words.
Matias nods, *quot;It happened.* I caught them having sex this morning as well...out in the back.* Literally when I walked over Prince was nutting in Desta*quot;s mouth. *You know what else?* It looked like Desta swallowed.* Every last drop.*quot;
I couldn*quot;t hear this.
*quot;You*quot;re fucking with me?* This morning too?*quot;
Any other time I would have thought Matias was lying but I had just gotten proof from Rosa about what was going on.* This was just adding onto that.* At this point, I*quot;m heated.* At this point, I am past my boiling point.
*quot;He*quot;s a freak,*quot; Matias shrugs.
*quot;I*quot;m going to fuck him up.* I*quot;m going to fuck Prince up.*quot;
*quot;You can*quot;t do it alone.* Prince has too many people backing him,*quot; Matias states, *quot;But I can talk to M83.* We can be there for you.*quot;
*quot;You*quot;d do that?*quot;
Matias nods, *quot;Now you see who is really in your corner...*quot;
DESTA
*quot;Don*quot;t you dare go after him,*quot; Prince states.
I ignore Prince.* I*quot;m so confused by what Santana is doing.** I look over at Rosa.
*quot;What exactly did you tell Santana?*quot; I ask.
*quot;I told him about Prince and Matias having sex in the bathroom,*quot; Rosa tells me.
*quot;And he is that mad about it?*quot; I ask, *quot;He*quot;s really that mad about Matias.*quot;
Rosa shrugs, *quot;He loves him.* He told me himself.*quot;
With that Rosa walks away.* I nearly fall out when she does.* I collapse into one of the seats in the auditorium.* Tip Toe is rehearsing his solo on stage right now with Ana giving him hard tips to the point that she is almost hitting him every time he got a step wrong.
I want to cry when I sit there.* I turn and see Prince come over me.
*quot;I hate to see you upset,*quot; Prince states.
*quot;I*quot;m not upset.*quot;
*quot;Bullshit,*quot; Prince states, *quot;Your ex just flipped the fuck out because his ex-was having sex with someone else.** Who does that?* The only reason it makes sense is if he was still in love with Matias.*quot;
Prince had a point.
*quot;Listen, I can*quot;t have my boyfriend and my best friend hating each other,*quot; I tell him, *quot;I need you to apologize him.*quot;
*quot;Apologize?* Hell no.* If you cared about me the way you cared about
izmit yabancı escort him, I wouldn*quot;t give a FUCK about what my ex-was doing.* You*quot;re lucky I don*quot;t beat his ass the next time I see him for disrespecting you.*quot;
*quot;You*quot;re not helping Prince.*quot;
*quot;I*quot;m getting out of here,*quot; he explains, *quot;I don*quot;t know what you see in this guy and I take back my support.* You will be with that guy over my dead body.*quot;
With that Prince gets up and leaves.* I want to break down crying.* I*quot;m that emotional at this point.* Every time things were looking up they went right back down.* They went all the way down to the Bottom.
And we were here again.* Here was that pain again.
Ana calls out to me, *quot;You ready?*quot;
I had no escape except for dance.* I*quot;d put it all into my movements.* I*quot;d put it all into my dance.* That was the only thing that could ease some of this tension.
~
It*quot;s late that night, really late.* That*quot;s when Ana walks over to me.* I*quot;m sweating, completely drenched.* I had been transported out of my body so many times while I was rehearsing.* I had rehearsed until I literally wanted to fall over.* I*quot;m so weak at this point that I can barely stand.* At least for a few minutes, I got my mind off of Santana.
From the shadows, I can see my Uncle Cornelius looking at me.* He nods with approval.* I can*quot;t believe him and Ana stayed so late.* After a while, I thought they*quot;d left because they stopped giving advice.* They just started letting me go.
*quot;Come on,*quot; Ana states, now that I*quot;m the last one left, *quot;We*quot;ll take you home.*quot;
The drive home is quiet.* I*quot;m looking out of the window.* It*quot;s raining.* I can*quot;t stop thinking about Santana.* I keep texting him but he*quot;s not responding.* He*quot;s ignoring me.* Maybe he really is over me.* Maybe he*quot;s more worried about what was happening with Matias.
*quot;You*quot;re not OK,*quot; Uncle Cornelius states, *quot;What*quot;s wrong?*quot;
I don*quot;t know why I feel comfortable with him.* It*quot;s so strange.* I used to hate him.* I used to have so much resistance towards him but all that resistance has gone away.* Uncle Cornelius was someone to look up to.* He was someone who set an example for the kind of man that I wanted to be.* I was lucky that he came back to the Bottom.
He came back to save me.
He came back to save us all.
*quot;I think it may be over between me and Santana.*quot;
Cornelius and Anna both laugh when I say this.* They find it hilarious.** I look up trying to see what the hell is so funny about what I just said.
*quot;Oh please,*quot; Anna states.
*quot;You two are clearly in love and you*quot;re going to work it out,*quot; Cornelius states, *quot;How long you think Ana?* Two days?* Three?* Before they make up?*quot;
*quot;Not even that...*quot; Anna responds.
*quot;This is different.*quot;
*quot;Have you seen how he watches you when you dance?*quot; Anna asks, *quot;It*quot;s rare for a dancer as talented as the Sandman to pay such close attention to anyone else...*quot;
*quot;You think he*quot;s talented?*quot; I ask, *quot;I thought you hated him.*quot;
Anna shakes his head, *quot;I see the potential.* He*quot;s probably the most talented hip-hop dancer I*quot;ve known in years but he is afraid to push past that hip-hop box.* Except when he met you.* He*quot;s letting his guard down now.* He*quot;s becoming the best part of himself.* I*quot;m hard on him because I wanted to bring that out, but it*quot;s clear only you can bring that out of him.*quot;
I sigh looking out in the distance, *quot;You guys think I do that to him?*quot;
Cornelius nods, *quot;You can do anything you want.* The doctors said I would never walk again.* The other day I felt pain in my legs.*quot;
*quot;Seriously?*quot;
*quot;Yeah.* It*quot;s a little sign but it*quot;s a sign.* You and Santana need each other.* You*quot;re going to go far alone but together the two of you will fly.* Just don*quot;t fly too close to the sun.* I learned that a long time ago.*quot;
We*quot;re approaching the house.
As we approach I notice something.* The lights on my porch are on.* Why the hell the lights on?* As I look over at the lights I*quot;m confused more and more by it.* That*quot;s when I squint a little bit and notice something.
*quot;You can stay with me,*quot; Uncle Cornelius randomly says.
Anna and I see why as we drive up to the house. *My father is sitting there.* My father is on the porch.* I look at him sitting there with my Aunts.* They are laughing.* All of them laughing together.* Claudia, Tonnet, AND Priscilla.* Right now Priscilla is sitting in his fucking lap.* I am watching this at this moment and it makes me sick to my stomach.
My father was back in the Bottom.
*quot;Keep driving,*quot; Uncle Cornelius states, *quot;Keep driving...*quot;
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